Spreadsheet Essay

And if I had updated his scores as we dated, things would have changed considerably.

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by Karyn Stille When do you use a spreadsheet, and when do you need a database? Information and records were stored by hand and financial records were calculated manually and entered in to the worksheets.

Spreadsheets Before the computer, bookkeepers, record keepers, and accountants used the paper and pencil method along with a ledger or record book containing worksheets.

It had left me so heartbroken and raw that for years I cried whenever anything even remotely romantic crossed my path: an old couple holding hands in Forest Park, two dogs sharing spaghetti, a 5-Hour Energy drink commercial. I thought approaching the romantic market armed with an analytical spreadsheet would make me more objective, and any resulting relationship would be less likely to fail. I just wanted a tool more accurate than my rusty dating brain to help me make a choice that wouldn’t bite me in the ass later.

Additionally, I could add the ability to freeze header rows to my Microsoft Office skill set. I set up categories, allowing for ratings on a scale of 1 to 10 in each, as follows: Smart, Funny, Finds Me Funny, How Attracted I Am to Him, How Attracted He Is to Me, Interesting Job He’s Passionate About, Good Conversation, Sex, Likes to Talk About Ideas, and My Overall Affection for Him. Or, one that would bite me in the ass, but only if I asked it to.

Lesson learned: never let your libido fill out your dating spreadsheet.

Third, and most important: Our feelings about people change as we get to know them. There-could-be-a-small-colony-of-elves-in-my-vagina-baking-cookies-for-all-I-know-because-no-one’s-been-up-there-to-check single (though that would be a loud and delicious-smelling enterprise to hide, and thus seemed unlikely). I resolved that I’d be up for whatever came my way. I began with a humiliating but necessary public Facebook request: friends—set me up, give me advice, find me options!In April, after I straight-up peed my pants in his kitchen during a mortifying coughing fit, his score for unflappability went off the charts. One: Rating people on a scale of 1 to 10 in a romantic capacity is simplistic, reductive, and, if I’m honest with myself, kind of gross.It makes me feel especially dirty now that there is someone I deeply love on the list.Utilitarian ** Let’s be honest—one of them was a dating rite of passage. The other came about because he was cute and funny and staying in a really nice hotel and my car was locked up after hours in a parking garage. As I revisited my scores, I noted I’d given one hot guy a stellar conversation score.Months later, I talked to him again, and it was one of the most awkward conversations of my life.I sifted through literally thousands of pictures of men standing on mountains in hiking gear. Playing through.” I realized that I didn’t have to date someone very long for it to sting horribly when I found out that I rated lower on their figurative spreadsheet than they did on my literal one.I discovered I had a preference for the tall and the bearded (the second a virtual requirement if you’re dating men in Portland).